My Mental Illness Story



I don't know how to start this so I'll dive right into it.

I never thought I would ever write that post. And then suddenly, I needed to get it off my chest. Probably because my mental illness has made a strong come-back in my life lately, and it's been haunting my days- and nights.

I need to vent, but it's not just that. I think that I have learned a few things from living with bipolar disorder that are universal- I learned them from my mental illness but they surpass it. And I wonder- maybe they could be useful to someone? I will write about these lessons in a (soon) future post.

Sometimes just reading about someone else's story has helped me. I have no idea why. Perhaps I felt a connection, making me feel less alone with my craziness. Anyway, here goes a long and personal post. You've been warned ;-)

MY MENTAL ILLNESS STORY (SUMMED UP)

As far as I can remember, I've always had a complicated mind. My first memory is an injection in the foot when I was a few days old. Then it's a blur, until I was around 3. But from what I've been told, I wasn't the easiest child.

Most of the time I was happy. I remember smiling all the time (I still do!). I had a loving family, a beautiful home in the countryside, friends. I was doing very well at school, and new dresses made me ecstatic.

But something was already off. I remember my brain going too fast or too loud for me to process my thoughts. I remember learning about infinity in maths class and being terrified of that concept. I remember crying over it because I couldn't for the life of me understand how it was possible for something to know no beginning or end. I remember wetting my bed almost every night. I remember trying to cut my thumb with a swiss army knife, not out of sadness, but just to see what it would feel like. I remember being overwhelmed by my thoughts, my emotions, my mind. Like something in me was too much for me.


I don't know if this was already an expression of bipolar disorder. Thinking back, and I'm saying this with absolutely no medical background, I think I had a genetic predisposition, and had the illness triggered by a traumatic event. Or let's stop with bowdlerized words and say it out loud: I was raped when I was 9, and that's when mental instability started taking more space in my life.

Middle school was not easy, but it went okay. I had mood swings and ups and downs, like all teenagers do, probably just in a more intense way. I skipped school quite a lot.

High school is where it really began being serious. I went through a dark path of eating disorders, self injury, and pits of depression alternating with manic phases where I would read Shakespeare in half an hour, talk super fast, and feel superior to every single human. At school I alternated between F and A+. I remember the exact feelings I had- they were overwhelmingly intense. I thought I was the only one experiencing life. Others were just living a dull version of it- that's why they thought they were happy. It was exhausting and hard and too much, but I was proud. I thought I was on top on the world, even when I was crying all night long.

At that time I met my soulmate. She was both a child and a woman, a human and an animal. She was the first person, apart from my family, that I truly loved. We had a very, very intense relationship, with really high highs and really low lows. She committed suicide when we were 19 and I thought I would never recover from it. I will always love her.

When I was 17, I started seeing a psychiatrist. She helped me finally starting to understand myself, even if only by tiny fragments. She tested my IQ and explained to me that it was abnormally high. Now don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that a high IQ is a mental illness, or an illness at all. I think, and once again I say that with absolutely no proof whatsoever, that in my case it may have been a kind of co-morbidity.


My psychiatrist talked to me about bipolar disorder. I was in a very depressive phase and it didn't make much sense to me. We had a lot to discuss and we left that on the side. I started eating a little more (by that time I had lost a lot of weight), and reducing self-injury a little. Depression was still quite severe.

I started university. I felt so smart. I felt like everybody was more or less stupid. I was disappointed because I thought I would enter a world of knowledge and intellectual challenges and everything seemed so easy. I didn't consider my friends to be my friends, because I was feeling so superior to them.  I'm not bragging. These were my thoughts, my feelings at that time. I passed the first year with a general A+ without working the slightest bit. Today I think that I could never do that again. I probably lost a lot of brain cells ;)

I started my second year at university. That's when my friend, my soulmate, committed suicide. I dropped everything, left university. I went back to anorexia and self injury, my refuges.

Depression went really bad and I went to a mental health facility for a couple of months. I continued seeing my psychiatrist. I was under a lot (a whole LOT) of meds, some being so strong that I didn't have the strength to lift a glass of water to take them. I was numb and tired and barely there.

Little by little, it went better. I met my actual partner, my heartmate, my better half, when I was about 20. We started being friends. It probably saved my life. I was still in a very bad place, but I was starting to foresee a possible future betterment. I struggled. I barely ate, barely slept, but I fought. A tiny thread of hope is sometimes all it takes.

My psychiatrist (I was still seeing the same one) retired. I felt like my world was falling apart- again. Like my safe place was burning down. We had a few sessions where all we talked about was her retirement, but talking didn't sweeten the reality of me losing my one and only not self destructive refuge.

In our last session before she retired, she convinced me to visit a bipolar disorder center and get a diagnosis. I went. I was told I had bipolar disorder- no doubt about it. Learning about it was a weird feeling. My medication changed. I gained a lot of weight, and by a lot, I mean over 50 lbs in a few months (I had no idea that weight was so easy to gain, and so hard to lose, but that's another story).


My thoughts and feelings were more tangled than ever. I was relieved to finally be diagnosed. My meds were working. At the same time, I felt like I was losing myself. I felt ugly. I felt stupid. I felt like I had fallen from my cloud. I didn't belong anywhere anymore, not even within myself. At least, before that, I was used to myself. And even when I felt inferior and unfit, I was still arrogant, I still had some (badly placed) pride. Now all I was left with was a poor self esteem, and nothing to hold on to.

I learned to tame myself. I learned to trust, to lean on loved ones, to breathe. Little by little, I got better. Way better. At one point I even thought I was cured. I don't know if it's even possible to be cured from this illness, but I know I wasn't.

I still experience phases, but they're way milder than they used to be... Until two weeks ago. The illness is making a strong come-back. I barely sleep and I don't feel tired. I barely eat and I don't feel hungry. All I can think about is walking, walking for hours, walking fast. I'm euphoric and all of a sudden I'm depressed. I start tons of projects and leave them half-done. I have DIY projects that I want to share here: I started taking step-by-step pictures, then stopped with the tutorial half-finished. Started a new one in the same fashion, then a new one... But nothing is finished and ready to post. I'm neglecting the blog. I'm at loss. I'm making wrong choices, playing havoc with everything I care about. I'm terrified of the long-term effects this could have on my life and my relationship. And I know that my mental illness is playing with me, putting on the mask of an ally and confidant, while at the same time being a detractor and prosecutor.

I refuse to think that I have no power over the illness. Or more accurately, I know that I have power over it. I have developed strategies and learned lessons that I'll share soon in a future post and that will hopefully be more interesting than this never-ending personal post.

Anyhow, I'll be back on Monday with a roundup of my favorite Valentine's Day projects and printables- so many adorable things!


82 comments:

  1. Anonymous2/05/2015

    I am proud of you. Thanks for sharing this post. You are brave and honest.
    I love your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Words have a strong power and yours warmed my heart!

      Delete
  2. I'm very sorry for your struggles. I have a friend that does things very similarly and mental illness runs rampant in his family. He's a fantastic guy but hops from thing to thing, job to job, pet to pet, girlfriend to girlfriend, never satisfied. I feel for him and for you.

    I have a small glimpse into this, though not a lot. I have bad anxiety and it makes my thoughts similar to yours (in that they have always been all tangeled and constant, and fast. Always. It got worse in college, and for me, I think so much change all at once was what triggered it, along with a few other things.

    I don't know if you are a religious person, but I am, and I will be praying for you through these hard times.

    I hope things start looking up!

    xo Kristin
    athisfeetdaily.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kristin,

      Thank you so much for your words of support. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It's so hard when mental illness robs your balance. I feel for him. And for you as well- it sounds like living with anxiety is not an easy ride.

      Thanks so much for praying for me too. This is so kind and selfless from you, and makes me both grateful and hopeful. I'll be sending you warm thoughts, maybe their paths will cross your prayers!

      Thanks again!
      xo, Clemence

      Delete
  3. This is so brave of you to share. I suffer with depression and anxiety everyday.
    Don't feel pressure to post if you're feeling bad, your mental health is the most important thing. Take care.
    Emily x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Emily, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. I believe in the power of warm thoughts and will be sending lots your way. Hope you'll feel better soon. Please take care of yourself!

      Delete
  4. I feel like it was extremely brave to write this post. I know that I can't say much to help you, but know that I am thinking about you and care about you, even from the very little I know of you. I am confident that you will manage to come out of this phase, as you have done before. Good luck. Penny xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Penny, Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It's not true that you can't say much to help me- you just did. I truly mean it. Your kindness shows through and it means more than I can say!

      Delete
  5. Maaike2/05/2015

    Wow, thank you for your honesty. It really takes courage to tell your story. Please believe in yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maaike, thank you so much for your support. Words of encouragement are a balm for the soul!

      Delete
  6. It's tough enough to admit to ourselves when our struggles are REAL, when our feelings are our truths - it is another thing all together to admit that to the world. You may not feel strong now - but you are grabbing that strength from a deep well and it's phenomenal to read about.

    I have a close relative with bipolar disorder...know that the people in your life may not always understand you but those that matter will keep loving you no matter what.

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  7. Thanks for sharing your story, hope things get back on track.

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  8. Brave and then braver. And necessary. Thank you for this. xo

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  9. I'm not sure what to say other than I think it says a great deal about your soul--even if it is sometimes clouded or hidden by mental illness and all of the struggles that come with it--that your blog is specifically about positive and beautiful things that you see and enjoy every day. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time, but so glad to hear that you are fighting and I hope that the beauty within you continues to hold your hand through it.

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  10. Thank you for sharing such an intensely personal post.

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  11. You are so brave and your honesty is truly amazing. Thank you!

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  12. Thank you for sharing. Please take care of yourself and know that your readers will be here whenever you feel inspired to post.

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  13. I´m sorry english is not my first language so I probably will not be able to transmit my feelings about this post as I´d like to.

    I just want you to know you´re brave and deserve to be as happy as someone can be. Sure life has highlights and dark days...I just hope you have real people around who can hug you those black days and make them look brighter.
    XO

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  14. You are very brave for sharing your story, thank you. Sending you all of the good vibes. You are stronger than you think!

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  15. You are very brave for sharing your story, thank you. Sending you all of the good vibes. You are stronger than you think!

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  16. You are very brave. This was beautifully written and offers an eye opening view into life with mental illness. Thank you for sharing.

    Jenny
    From the Desk of J

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  17. Anonymous2/05/2015

    My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you've endured such pain and loss. Please do what you can to take care of yourself. I can see there is fight left in you, you are very strong. Peace be with you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. What a brave soul to share this powerful glimpse into such a beautiful, yet heavy world. You have so many gifts and talents, yet along with them comes complications. I prefer complicated souls and minds to simple ones. Keep being you. :)

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  19. Thank you for your honesty and your bravery. Someone close to me suffers with this too. It is heartbreaking for me to see the pain it causes. Unfortunately there are far too many people who have no understanding and therefor no compassion for those suffering from this illness. The more this is spoken about in public forums hopefully more people will gain an insight into this debilitating illness and show compassion for those suffering. I will pray for your fast recovery. Please remember that you are not alone.

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  20. Thank you for posting this - that was extremely brave of you. I have bipolar disorder as well, and have struggled with many of the same things as you so I have a slight inkling of what you've gone through - the fact that you are still here is proof that you are victorious. I am so incredibly sorry that you've had to go through so much pain, but I am so proud of you for coming out strong. Feel free to contact me if you ever want to chat ok? I'll always listen, I promise.

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  21. Anonymous2/05/2015

    You are lovely, and very much loved (by your family, friends, AND readers!) <3

    Get some rest, and treat yourself to something nice too :)

    Hang in there! I'm rooting for you

    ReplyDelete
  22. I have been following your blog for a year I think. I remembered when I started, it was the time my health went down and just had an operation. Those times were nightmares to me, and every week, I look forward to reading this blog. It is a space where I feel peaceful. It reminds me of the simplicity beauty in this world. Today, I read your post. I feel the intensity of the emotions growing in your mind. It must have tear you down. I can feel from the words, your stories and how much pain you have been bearing all these years. No matter what you are going to write about, I still love to read what you want to say. It is totally fine that a Friday roundup is missing, or a new project is left unfinished. I think all this imperfection made this blog even more lovely than before. Thanks for being yourself to us. I guess, the bipolar disorder, even it did really affect your life, it would never eat you up. Because the beauty in you are so strong, your resilience, your persistence in dealing with your situation... you will be getting okay. We will be here for you !

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  23. This is a very brave post. Thank you for sharing - my heart goes out to you for all you've been through. I hope you take the time to take care of yourself.

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  24. Thank you for sharing your story. I admire people who are strong enough to talk about their mental health issues and strive to create a more open environment for everyone. I lost a friend to suicide three years ago, and didn't know how to cope. I found a club on campus that plans the Suicide Prevention Walk with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Campus Walk program and attending many campus and community walks since then has really proven to me not only how many people are affected by suicide and mental health, but how much support there is and efforts driven toward breaking the negative stigma. I think the first step is to talk about it, and I'm glad you've taken your time to share here on your blog. Lots of love xx

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  25. Thank you so much for sharing this - I feel echoes of my own life and really appreciate hearing your honesty <3

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  26. Wow, thats a very brave thing you did here!
    I started reading and couldn't stop, it sounds if you're a very tough person...
    Keep on fighting, i hold my thumbs for you - i bet you can beat that difficult situation you're in right now!
    A lot of greeting from Austria (not that one with the Kangaroos :P ),
    eLLy

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  27. Clemence,
    I will go straight to the point too as it's kind of a professional bug of mine ;) You probably already considerated this but if you didn't, go straight back to see a psychiatrist, bring them all the papers you have and tell them you want to be out of it. Check for a trusted one, perhaps in a community center if there is one around there. I'm sure you mate will help out with this :) I read your blog, you are such a good woman and professionist..don't let the illness scare you :) I'm sorry for this kinda rough start, but us followers really love you to pieces and that's my way to make you feel I care about you very much! The post was great and good luck with everything..let us know :)

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  28. Your blog brings such lightness and happiness into the lives of so many. I read many blogs and am remiss in telling the authors of those that are most-special how much joy their efforts bring. So, thank you for sharing your struggles today, for mixing the lovely with the real and gritty. You are in my thoughts and I hope that you are able to continue to fight for the light.

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  29. Very brave of you to share this! You are a beautiful soul and I hope (really really hope) that things get better.

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  30. thank you for sharing. i'm having similar struggles atm. take care of yourself!! xx

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  31. Thank you so much for sharing. Stay strong and keep courage!

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  32. Thank you for sharing such a brave post!
    I know that there is nothing much to say for me, because I can't really help you, but you know that there oustide- in the world - are a lot of people who is thinking about you and reading your blog and praying about you! :) Stay strong!
    xoxo Luīze

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  33. You are seriously one of the most beautiful people on the Internet. I'm so grateful you shared this and I'm so grateful for that thread of Hope you found that helped untangle the threads. I'm so sorry and sad for the horror you experienced as such a small person. Rape is brutal and for someone so young - it breaks might heart.
    I hope the threads loosen again soon so that you can find a quieter place again. All my love x

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  34. I promise you're not alone. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Panic Disorder, and have struggled with eating disorders and self injury too. I bet more of your readers have similar stories to yours than you think! We're all survivors :)

    You're so brave for sharing your story! Take care xo

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  35. ♡♡♡♡♡ You can do it!!!

    Ánimo! Un abrazo desde España!!
    xoxo

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  36. I'm so proud of you for putting this post up. All of this yells one thing at me, and that's you're so strong. You are amazing person and you can do this. <3 xox

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  37. Anonymous2/07/2015

    You are very brave! Perhaps one day I make the same, but it's very difficult in France, lot of peoples think that you're dangerous if you have mental illness.
    THANK YOU!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Such a strong story to read. It sheds a light into the struggles of bi-polar and I am thinking you are one s t r o n g woman. I can only admire your honesty. I hope the way forward will be less of a struggle. Take time to breathe and if your blog posts are few and far between for a while I doubt you will ever lose any of us readers who are following you. Thanks for giving us an insight! Much love

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  39. I've been thinking of you these days and visiting your blog to I guess, check how you are doing. You'll be fine, and until then don't bother with the thing that you should do and you don't feel like doing them. And it's not an illness you are going through, it's a disorder which means that you are not like other ordinary people. Ordinary is boring, and I guess there are so many ppl visiting your blog just because you are not like those boring ones. And, the things that bother you (I'm making wrong choices, playing havoc with everything I care about. I'm terrified of the long-term effects this could have on my life and my relationship...) to me are completely regular on everyday basis. I am 40 and I am that kind of person, a drama queen, and I guess people who love me, find it difficult to deal with but at the same time attracted to it. Human fu*king nature! That's what it's and we should accept it not try to control it all the time. looking forward to hearing from you. xx.

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  40. amazing story! thank you for sharing!

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  41. Thank you so much for sharing! Hope you have better days soon!

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  42. Anonymous2/09/2015

    Thank you for sharing this incredible post, sending so much love and light your way. xo

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  43. Anonymous2/09/2015

    This is incredibly brave and brutally honest..I know how hard it is to put these things on "paper" let alone to share with the world. I can so relate to you since I am having similar struggles..I am really looking forward to reading more about your journey..sending your prayers, much love and good vibes..God bless..mattie

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  44. Clémence, je ne sais absolument pas quoi dire... Quel courage de ta part de partager autant sur toi. Moi-même en ce moment, je me bats contre une anxiété rampante et inexpliquée, qui n'a aucune raison d'être, je me sens stressée, étouffée par quelque chose que je n'arrive pas à préciser, impatiente et prête à tout bousculer, et en même temps j'ai envie de me rouler en boule au fond de mon lit et de ne plus bouger, et je n'arriverai sans doute pas à en parler sur mon blog. Rien de comparable avec ce que tu ressens évidemment, mais je mesure à quel point c'est courageux de s'ouvrir ainsi, d'oser dire que tout n'est pas parfait, que ça ne va pas, et de partager autant de tes pensées intimes, de ton combat. Pas une seule seconde, en lisant ton blog, si coloré, joyeux et doux, on ne peut imaginer ce qui se passe derrière. Je te souhaite de reprendre le contrôle et de revenir partager ces si jolis projets (je suis sûre qu'ils le sont) que tu as commencés. Bon courage (et désolée pour la maladresse de mes mots...)

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  45. Anonymous2/14/2015

    This is such a brave story, and you are so strong for having shared such hard times. Sending so much love and good vibes your way!!

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  46. Anonymous2/17/2015

    Chère Clémence,
    Je découvre tout juste votre post et voulais vous dire à quel point votre histoire m'a touchée, et à quel point je vous trouvais courageuse de témoigner de la sorte.
    Je n'ose imaginer à quel point cette maladie doit être difficile à gérer.
    Puissiez-vous toujours avoir le courage de vous battre et des raisons de trouver la vie formidable.
    Pour ma part, je me bats avec une dépression survenue suite à mon divorce. Le vie ne m'épargne pas non plus, mais l'aime beaucoup la vertu d'Espérance et je veux toujours croire en des jours meilleurs.
    J'espère que vous parvenez à bien vivre cette maladie. J'ai l'impression que oui. Votre blog respire en tout cas la joie de vivre.
    Continuez ! c'est un plaisir de vous lire, et sachez en tout cas que vous lire me procure du bonheur.
    A bientôt,
    Marielle

    ReplyDelete
  47. I'm sorry your going through what you are, I know nothing anyone says can make it better but keep in mind youve pushed through it before and will again as hard as it seems at the moment. Thank you so much for expressing your feelings present and past its very helpful. Even though I'm a nurse nothing in the medical field prepares you when one of your own family members go through this and I've been dealing with my mom being in a hospital for the last several months. You expressing the things your going through is more helpful then any medical book I could have read to understand this illness. I also wanted to tell you your blog is my favorite, actually the only one I follow and got my friends following as well I'm so obsessed. Thanks for the blog and for your thoughts, and I know the medical field can't help completely all the time since the illness is still not fully understood but keep trying and pulling from different sources that can help whether its friends, a blog, exercise, medication or counseling. I can tell your a fighter and you will get through it :o)

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  48. A Friend From Illinois2/20/2015

    My whole AP Language & Composition class was talking about your blog today - we are analyzing your writing and rhetoric and are very impressed. We are all wishing you happiness and peace of mind (and body) this year. All the best!

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  49. thanking you for sharing this with us *

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  50. Clemence, I just read this. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are brave and incredible, and I'm keeping you in my thoughts, and praying for your healing. *big big hugs*

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  51. Anonymous9/18/2015

    Hi Clemence, i am very sorry that you are going through this current phase.
    I have a similar story, also got raped as a child, had a eating disorder and had depressions.
    Not bipolar though, so you have much more to deal with.
    Since you mentioned that you believe for the root of your disorder to be in your childhood, it would make sense to start working on overcoming what happened to you.
    Personally, what helped me the most to cope was Hypnotherapy. It just made me better and more stable a lot faster than other Regular Therapies that i had tried before. These days i am free of any depressions and even when my dad passed away, i was able to not fall apart.
    Since you have bipolar, you will always need to be on medication to level your system, but if you are able to work through the trauma's in your life completely, than the episodes will get less and your doctor can than put you on a lower dose of meds, so you are not numbed up.
    I hope you get better soon and please remember what you are experiencing right now is a phase, it will come and go, life is intense but that is what makes it beautiful. Please go and get help this week. You might just need a little adjustment in your meds. Sending you lots of love and strength.

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