I’m writing this post as part of the "Things I’m Afraid to Tell You" project. You may know by now that English is not my first language, and that I’m still learning it. I’m writing way more text in this post than I usually do, so please excuse me if I make language mistakes.
Jess of Makeunder My Life wrote a beautiful, honest, inspiring post, sharing her feelings on the things she was afraid to tell her readers. Inspired by it, Ez from Creature Comforts encouraged bloggers to open up and share the things they’re afraid to tell their readers, in an open-book fashion. You can read Ez's post here. It’s a profound, moving post (I really mean it). And you can also find a list of bloggers participating, and add your own voice if you feel inspired.
The point of it is to show that life is not as picture-perfect as we sometimes make it seem, that there’s a huge gap between how we, as bloggers, present reality (in an effort to share pretty and inspiring things) and what reality is. Don’t get me wrong : this is not about complaining about how life can be hard and unglamorous and how we all have negativity in our lives. It’s more about being honest, sincere, candid. It’s about authenticity, truth and trust. Ez put it like this : she’s inviting bloggers to make themselves vulnerable in an effort to make the bigger blogging community a better place.
I don’t share much personal information here. I don’t do that in real life either. I tend to hold back and hide under my shell. I’m actually super shy! One of the reasons I’m afraid to tell you the things I’m going to tell you, is that everything we put out there becomes public – meaning that everyone who has access to the internet, has access to what you shared. That’s scary. I know that if my parents read this (I hope they won’t ), they will worry. I have the best, most loving & caring family – and they tend to worry a lot for me. But well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to open up a bit. I’ll take the risk.
So, here are the things I’m afraid to tell you :
1. I am sometimes ungrateful and pity myself. I sometimes forget all the good things I have in life and focus on the negative things. For example, I am really short on money, which means I need help from my parents, and I feel guilty about it. It also means that I don’t have my own place (I’m a lodger). I’m in my late twenties, so I'm really ashamed of not being able to rent an apartment. I tend to focus on that and forget that I’m lucky to have a roof above my head, and support from my family.
2. I wear a teeny tiny amount of clothes, limited to 4 tops, 4 bottoms, 2 cardigans, and 2 dresses. I do, however, have a really huge imaginary wardrobe!
3. I love kids, I truly do, and I would really love to have some. But for a few reasons, including that I have PCOS, I don’t know if I’ll ever be a mom.
4. I tend to be jealous and envious of people who just seem to have it all : a perfectly decorated home, a happy marriage, beautiful and healthy kids, a job they love and are successful at, a gigantic closet, a perfect figure... All the things I don’t have. I know this isn’t completely true, but things seem to be so easy for some people, and I envy them. Sometimes I’m so jealous that I forget to be happy for them.
5. I have an abnormally high IQ. This is not something I easily talk about. For some reason, it makes me feel stupid. Knowing it makes me feel more ashamed of my underachievements and failures.
6. I procrastinate. A lot. I think it's a kind of self sabotage. I think part of it is caused by my lack of self confidence, and my fear of doing wrong, or not good enough. Instead of trying harder, I don’t try at all.
7. I lack of social skills. Well, I’ve improved a lot in that field. I can now enjoy parties and meeting new people. But I still try my best to avoid picking up the phone, and I’m still prone to social withdrawal sometimes. I think part of it comes from my fear of being rejected or laughed at. I have exaggerated concerns over what people think of me.
8. I am super sensitive and emotional. I can cry over a tiny detail, and I can worry for days about a tiny thing. I am incredibly anxious and always assume the worse.
9. There’s a gap between my values and my ideals, and the way I actually live and behave.
10. I’ve been through hard things in life. Well, I know we all have... As a result, I’ve had a dark period of eating disorder and severe depression. I’ve overcome it, mostly thanks to the support of my family and friends. I’m now calmer, healthier, happier, and mentally & emotionally more balanced, even though I’m still prone to pits of depression.
If you made it through all of that, thank you so much for reading. This wasn’t easy for me to write. I’m about to click the “publish” button and it makes my stomach hurt a bit. I’m worried that knowing this will make you despise me. See, I’m always worrying!
I encourage you to read Ez's post, where you can also find a list of participating bloggers. I hope you will be inspired by them, and even write your own « Things I’m Afraid To Tell You » post. If you do, please leave a link here so I can read it!
Thank you, Ez, for getting more honesty into the blog world.